You know exactly what I'm talking about. Itching for some action, you bust out your Battletoads cart and slide it in. You hit power...and the screen is all gray. You open up your Nintendo and blow in it like you were Sean Connery tied to a chair and you just dropped the lighter in the Nazi castle. Tears streaming down your face, you raise your fist and send it crashing through the plastic outer shell of the machine that once brought you so much joy. The papers will call it a "mercy killing."

But it doesn't have to be that way! You can save your Nintendo! Not only that, you can make it work like you just got back from KB Toys. But first, you have to understand what it is that causes Nintendii (the obvious plural of Nintendo) to go bad in the first place. (Note: the article focuses primarily on the original, side loading Nintendo. Those of you with newer top loaders are out of luck. Besides, top loaders are like invincible. They line space shuttles with them for atmospheric re-entry, for real. That is why they're so hard to find. Seriously.) There are several factors that contribute to a "busted" Nintendo. One of them is leaving it unplugged. Plug it in, moron! If it still doesn't work, there are other points to consider.

Maybe the connector on the cartridge is dirty? If this is the case, get a box of cotton swabs and some rubbing alcohol. Dip the swab in the alcohol and rub the wet end all over the connector. Keep doing that until the swab is totally filthy. Get another swab and keep doing the same thing until the swabs come out clean. Then stick one of the dirty ones in your mouth! Dude, you won't do it. Well anyway, use the dry end of one of the swabs to wipe off any alcohol left on the connector. (P.S. If you didn't know how to do that already you're a CHUMP.) Still not working? Well, maybe the connector on the cartridge is broken? Inspect it for cracks, chips, or signs of rust or oxidation. If you find any, the cartridge is a waste. You can't fix it. Don't even try. If all else fails, the problem may be in the actual 72 pin Nintendo socket itself.

Inside every Nintendo is the 72 pin socket shown below.

The bottom socket connects to the NES main board whereas the top socket is for receiving cartridges. When you slide in a game, it comes to rest at an angle. When you press you press the game down and lock it into position, it aligns straight with the top of the connector in contact with the top row of pins and the bottom of the connector on the bottom row of pins. Frequent inserting and removing of catridges can cause the pins to get pushed back and not come in contact with the cartridge. Usually when this happens you can try inserting the game only far enough so that the label barely scrapes the Nintendo and you push it down. Truth be told, this will solve maybe 90% of the problems you might have with getting your games to work as the back of the pins are pushed back farther than the front.

If you're really brazen, you can try removing the socket from your nintendo and using a small instrument of some kind to pull the pins down back to their original position. But be super damn careful, because one wrong move and that socket of yours is no more. Believe me, I've ruined several in my day. Your final option, and the one I endorse the most, is to buy a new socket and install it. This is essentially what happens when you take it to a console repair shop, only they charge a buttload more than it costs to do it your own badself. The best and cheapest place to score a new socket is on an online auction web site. I recommend stearing clear of www.ebay.com and trying less popular services like auctions.yahoo.com since they have comparitively smaller bidder bases. And fewers bidders means lower prices overall. Most folks (like me) will be able to score for around $20, whereas smart shoppers (like your thrifty-ass momma) will be able to score for a measly $10-12. After you've decided on an auction service to use, do a search for "nintendo socket" or "nintendo connector" or even "stop blinking." Once you've found one, bid, and won, put this site aside until it comes in the mail. Has it been a week already? Sheesh! Anyway, grab a screwdriver and your Nintendo and pull out anything plugged into it. Now you are ready to operate.

Are you nervous? Never taken your Nintendo apart, huh? Well, we all have to do it sometime. You might as well get it over with now with the help of an old hand like myself. So as you can see, opening up your Nintendo to perform maintenance is easy, inexpensive, and relatively fatal. The worst part is unscrewing all 23 screws. Yep, 23. After you install your new socket however, you will notice a dramatic improvement in the ease of which you can get games to run. That is, assuming that you didn't get ripped off, which you probably will not. Seriously, don't let me scare you, you won't get ripped off. Of course, the potential is always there, but I think the infintestimal risk is worth it. Think about the first time you found a warp whistle in Super Mario Brothers 3. Or punched in that Konami code that you know by heart. Or fell out of a helicopter in Double Dragon 2. You owe it to yourself, to your memories, and to your Nintendo. Please, buy a new socket today.