CaliFORNia...

   Nostalgia is a funny thing. When your parents or older siblings told you that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was a crappy cartoon, they were probably right. But if you only watched the show to see Donatello fling his body off his bo and slam into Rocksteady and Bebop, how could you pay attention to the goofy lines spoken by every non-turtle character? So after you grow out of the show for a few years and come back to it a few years after that, you only remember the good things, like turtles kicking ass. As an adult, you start to notice the awful lines that skinny bitch Irma belts out every time she's on screen. And maybe you laugh, and wonder out loud why you ever liked the show in the first place. With me and the movie The Wizard, it's different. I have become, in a way, more fond of it as time passes on. It balances on that thin beam that lies between 80's and 90's filmmaking, becoming a sort of "meta-film" for people that grew up in either decade. It might be considered art, but I'll be the first to say that it's not good art. It's good kitsch, and not much else. After all, it features old video games, a modern adventure concept and one or two of the biggest stars of that time. It's a loveable film. But I'm still going to tear it a new asshole.

The only way to travel.

   The Wizard opens up simply enough: the year is 1989 and Fred Savage is Corey Woods, a troubled teen from Utah who kind of almost runs away after another screaming match between his divorced father Sam (Beau Bridges) and older brother Nick (Christian Slater). Corey is determined to get his younger brother Jimmy (Luke Edwards) out of the mental institution he currently resides in. Their mother Christine (Wendy Philips) is also determined, along with her new hubby (Sam McMurray), who apparently only goes by his last name, Bateman. For Corey, the best way to get Jimmy out is to essentially kidnap him and run away from home for good, and begin a life of skateboarding and running away from hobos. Corey throws a dart at a map on his wall and it lands on California, of all places. And as we learned at the very start of the movie, Jimmy also wants to run away--to California!! Before you can say "Clash at Demonhead", Corey makes his way to the nuthouse and he and Jimmy escape in a Wonder Bread truck. Upon hearing the news, the distressed parents hire some sort of child recovery agent guy to get their kids back. Like Bateman, this guy also is only addressed by his last name: Putnam. Sam and Nick decide to try to beat this Putnam at his own game, but will instead beat the shit out of each others' cars every time they make eye contact and accomplish nothing.

50,000? You got 50,000 on Gals Panic?

   The bread truck stops at some arbitrary location on the interstate, and Jimmy and Corey arrive at a cross-country bus terminal, where Corey tries to get to California from Utah the easy way...on $27.30! Corey has Jimmy pass the time by playing Double Dragon on a PlayChoice-10. Soon, Corey spots the cops pulling into the terminal and goes to grab Jimmy, but wait a second--he got 50,000 on Double Dragon! After about an hour of amazement, Corey and Jimmy loudly sneak into the back room of the terminal, where Corey is still bewildered by Jimmy's awesome skill at a stupid Technos game. Little do they know that the unsettlingly sassy Haley has been watching them from behind an issue of Cosmopolitan this whole time. Suspicious of Corey's reaction to the cops, she follows the boys in the back room and confronts them. After a brief announcement about how much ass Jimmy kicked on Double Dragon, Corey proves to Haley that Jimmy's the real deal by going back to the game and putting his money where his little brother is. As expected, Haley loses. After claiming Corey is a cheat and struggling to recover her money, the last bus out of Utah drives away, leaving the kids to find another way to California.

Beau's stunt double? Maybe.

   Haley points out that Jimmy's gaming prowess, combined with his deviously small demeanor could be used to get some big bucks, even more than a lousy 20 from some redhead. Haley leaps from her restaurant booth to grab a nearby copy of Video Games & Computer Entertainment and splay out an ad for Video Armageddon, a gaming competition in Los Angeles (and, as we later find out, is strategically placed in Universal Studios). With a $50,000 grand prize, Haley offers to split the money with Corey. And after all, he DID want to go to California, AND he gets to use his brother to win a bunch of money again! Corey accepts, and the gang is off on their big hitch-hiking road trip. Elsewhere, Nick and Sam have stopped off in some random town to feed themselves and annoy people by asking about the missing boys. To the shock of the Woods and the audience, it just so happens Putnam is there too! After Putnam sneaks up to their truck and pops a couple of tires, the Woods eventually notice and Sam goes berserk all over Putnam's car, finishing it off with a spectacular throw of a shovel-cum-javelin. Smart.

Now show me "anger."

   To earn extra money for the trip, the kids use Jimmy like the vulnerable tool he is and begin to bet against anyone standing next to an arcade machine. And thank God that apparently, most of Utah is carpeted with diners and bus terminals. The kids quickly rake in the dough as they take advantage of random tattooed businessmen (seriously) and the like. However, in one bet, Corey wrongly crosses a gang of much older bullies, and just when you think Corey and his accomplices are about to be rough-housed, in comes...HIGH-STRUNG OWNER LADY!! who calls in her mythical leprechaun bouncer "Roger", who the very mention of instantly drives the bullies away. She then vehemently condemns all the kids, saying "I got video monsters, I got movie monsters, I got...graffiti-on-the-wall monsters..." Our trio has a good smirk, but before they can enjoy the full smile, a meek kid in the background speaks up. He tells the kids "he's good, but he'll never beat Lucas." And who is Lucas? "Lucas...is awesome." And where might they find him? Well, we're never told, but here he is anyway.

A young, rising star...of Kmart ads!!

Does not increase masturbation performance.

   He's also mighty cute! Actually, Lucas Barton is cool, intimidating, and therefore a gigantic prick. Lucas boasts that he's beaten all 97(!) NES games. "You know all 97 of them?" Haley asks. Lucas smirks and nods in his evil blonde way. The gang challenges Lucas to a duel, and are relentlessly chuckled at once it's revealed that the spritely Jimmy is the Nintendo pro.

Lucas: "I don't get it, isn't he like a poster child for somebody?"
Haley: "For your information, butthead, he's headed for the video championships in Los Angeles."

Dismissing his opinion of Jimmy, Lucas accepts the challenge. His lackeys procure a steel suitcase which contains the ultimate gaming weapon...one so mysterious and powerful that it strikes fear in the most noble of warri--oh, Jesus, it's just the Power Glove. Well, everybody's still really impressed as Lucas makes Rad Racer his bitch with the rubber beast. After remarkably clearing the first stage of the game, he turns to our heroes, and defiantly says without giggling, "I love the Power Glove. It's so bad." Corey, not applying his social skills correctly, flings his arm over Haley's shoulder and also without giggling says "Yeah well, just keep your Power Gloves off her, huh?" He then orders Jimmy to "show 'em what you got," but after witnessing the sheer Power of the Glove, Jimmy is too terrified to confront Lucas in such a manner and runs out the door, accompanied by the chuckles of Lucas and his cronies. Corey runs after Jimmy and Haley tries to follow but is stopped by Lucas, who proclaims "by the way...I'm entered in the championships too." Not at all impressed, Haley storms out and tries to help Corey console Jimmy. Both fail miserably, saying that "it was just one loss," but forgetting that Jimmy didn't even start to do anything. Down but not out, Jimmy swallows his pride and forgets Lucas altogether. Or as much as he'd like to! Ha ha!

Beau knows Nintendo.

   Later, Sam and Nick find solace at a run-down motel. After discussing the wonderful times shared with Jimmy's twin sister Jennifer (she died, you see, and that's why Jimmy's so quiet and disturbed), Nick sighs heavily and goes out to the truck to get out the ol' Nintendo and fire up a game of that perennial favorite, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Sam scoffs at his son, but later in the evening Sam himself is playing the game, waving and jerking the controller around like an upset babboon. Nick fails to coax his father away from the TV, as Sam harriedly announces "I don't believe this. I got the the scroll weapon, and I almost beat Mecha-Turtle at the end of level three!" The next day, Putnam continues his search for Jimmy and maybe even Corey by walking into a mom-and-pop arcade and harassing a pinball kid.

"Why aren't you playing a Nintendo game instead?"

Putnam: "All right, I'm looking for a couple of kids. This one's a mental case, have you seen them?"
Kid: "Does he dress like you?"
Putnam: "No."
Kid: "Then he can't be too much of a case, all right?"
Putnam: "Hohhh, okay..."
*Putnam grabs the machine and tilts it*
"Listen up, fruit-fly, it's time to get real. Two kids, one is nine, one is thirteen. There's a girl with them and they've been hanging out in arcades, have you seen them?"

Ohhh dear.

   Sometime soon after all this, Putnam and the Woods annihilate their cars again. Surprised? Following the aftermath, Sam and Nick enter another diner and wait for something good to happen. Out of the corner of his eye, Sam spots a guy sitting at a booth wearing one of the Woods Landscaping hats. Suspicion arises both ways, as the guy notices Sam's hat is the same and enthusiastically says "Nice hat. HAHAHAHA!!" The Woods are not amused as they find out that the hat belonged to a "couple kids." Josh and S.A.M.? Nope, Corey and Jimmy. And for some odd reason, Lucas is also in the restaurant overhearing the conversation. He informs Sam and Nick that the kids have gone to Los Angeles to Video Armageddon. The Woods are rip-roarin' and ready to head to LA until they discover their pickup's been towed away. DENNIIIIIISS!

...Wow.

   Eventually, somehow, the kids make their way to Reno, Nevada, where Haley claims to live. Here they spend time training Jimmy on the arcade floors, and hogging phone time with Rick the Nintendo game counselor (who is, I might add, the only character in this entire film to actually say the word "Nintendo"). Putnam also makes his way there. While Corey takes a break from gaming and spends a little time at the pool, Putnam notices him. He stops hanging around the frightening old man and grabs Corey.

Putnam: "Don't give me any lip, you snot! I've been following you across two states! I'm being paid to bring your brainless little brother back now point him out!!"

Putnam learns Jimmy is (naturally) in the casino arcade. He gives up on Corey and heads into the casino. Corey yells at Haley, and they follow Putnam. Putnam finally grabs Jimmy when Haley runs in and screams "HE TOUCHED MY BREAST!" Needless to say, Jimmy is saved thanks to one girl and her breast. With nowhere else to go in Nevada now, the kids take a taxi to Haley's house--a filthy trailer in the middle of the desert. This was far from the "really nice house" Haley had described earlier in this adventure. Here they hole up while figuring out their next move.

"So uh, I have my own TV shoMFFRFF"

   That evening while catching the sunset on the roof of the trailer, Haley tells the story of her gambling-addicted sociopath showgirl mother and the divorce from her father that left Haley wanting something more. Like a house. With prize money from the competition, she could have that house. Corey, who sits next to her during her spiel, awakes from a wet dream...

Corey: "Zelda."
Haley: "Zelda?"
Corey: "Yeah...you know, it's like, it's like the Adventures of Link. He has to find Zelda, you have to find a house. Same difference."(Corey creatively forgets that Link starts off that game staring right at the sleeping body of Princess Zelda.)
Haley: "Boy, is that sexist."
Corey: "It's not sexist. ...It's romantic."

Corey slowly leans forward, but Haley is quick to push him away and states that she would never kiss a boy. "A girl, maybe?" Corey asks. Haley proves her preference over boys as she pulls Corey towards her and gives him a truly adolescent kiss.

"I'm not GAY, I'm FLAMBOYANT."

   The next morning, Corey and Haley discover that Jimmy's missing! Putnam finally tracked him down and caught him. Although how they couldn't hear Jimmy yelling or Putnam's car while inside a paper-thin trailer on a wide open piece of Nevada desert property is beyond me. Putnam drives off, almost too sure of himself. Corey admits defeat, but Haley doesn't. "You think I don't got friends? I got friends," she says as she storms off to the phone. We then go to Putnam, who taunts Jimmy in his car by throwing suckers at him. However, he's soon stopped by a group of big rigs coming at him head-on. Hey, it turns out to be Haley's old trucker pal from Reno, Spanky, who slowly gets out of his truck, confronts Putnam and asks, "so you touched her breasts, huh?" Putnam tries to reason with Spanky and his comrades but is soon beaten to a bloody pulp (or at least I think that's what the single "punch" sound effect implied). With that, Haley and Corey rescue Jimmy and get Spanky to drive them on the home stretch to Los Angeles. They finally arrive at the entry point to the least exciting place in the state, Universal Studios California. Of course, it's dull until you see the billions of giant pastel-colored balloons pointing your way towards the ill-named VIDEO ARMAGEDDON! Then everything's all right. Too bad Putnam doesn't have time to enjoy this--he's sitting on the curb of a 7-Eleven somewhere nursing his wounds. Running galiantly towards the front door of Video Armageddon, our kiddish trio immediately sign up Jimmy for the competition, but first they have to endure an annoying Billy Bob Thornton look-alike who thinks he's funny by being loud.

Corey: "Hi, we're here to register."
Annoying Guy: "Good!"
Corey: "Yeah, the name's Jimmy Woods."
Annoying Guy: *typing* "Woooooods!...Jimmy WOODS!"
Haley: "What game is it, what game are they playing?"
Annoying Guy: "Well, for the prelims we're playing Ninja...Gai-DAN! HAI!"
*Corey and Haley smile politely*
Haley: "He knows Ninja Gai-Dan!"(Can't anybody remember a game title in this movie?) "We're in! S'great!"
Annoying Guy: "You're in, faaaantastic! Pin this to his back and hustle it on in there, you're blowin' it, you're late, let's go go go go!"

   And with that, the kids rush into the building.

"Mommy, I had that dream again!"

   And what a building! Unfortunately, Video Armageddon is MC'ed by possibly the creepiest man of 1989, moreso because he's British. He likes to use big words while throwing the audience off with lines to make Dr. Frank N. Furter proud, such as "come up here, my little munchkins...get your little bottoms up here!" and then pausing his insanity for awhile to count down the final seconds of what are the shortest qualification rounds ever. His wiry tie doesn't help things much, either. While marveling over the spectacle, our heroes meet up with none other than Lucas, who upon meeting "the Wizard" whips out more of his unforgettable lines. "...We wouldn't want you to...wiz on someone!" he exclaims, once again followed by the laughter of his seemingly robotic friends. Soon, Jimmy gets his chance to play and is catapulted into the final match against Lucas and some girl named Mora Grissom, who looks like the only girl in this movie who plays Nintendo in real life. Mr. MC announces that for the final match, the contestants will have to play a game they have "never...ever EVER...played before!" Haley and Corey are shocked. Jimmy shows no emotions, as usual. The final match begins in 15 minutes. What could possibly go wrong in that amount of time?

Action Slater!

   A lot, of course. Putnam finally makes his way to Universal Studios and meets up with the Batemans (how come we didn't follow them on their trip to LA?). Putnam says that the kids are here, and that nothing else should go wrong. The kids then walk out of the Armageddon building, where Lucas spots Putnam and tattles on the kids. Putnam finally notices them and gives chase. One hell of a stupid, long chase. Now, believe it or not, this sequence of events is where the highest concentration of unabashed advertising comes into the movie as Putnam chases the kids through quite nearly every attraction at Universal Studios, over and under them, around and behind them. For the benefit of Universal, this gives us a once-in-a-fucking-lifetime SNEAK PEEK at what goes on behind our favorite 6-hour-line rides! Yeehaw! Coincidentally, Sam and Nick just made it too, and run after the tour trolley that is at this point carrying the kids and Putnam. They catch up to them and Putnam punches Sam right in the face. I bet that felt wonderful. The kids continue on through the insides of the King Kong ride. Putnam closes in like the black-eyed failure he is. The kids soon sneak into a dark backstage area and find out they're right above the Video Armageddon stage! They see Lucas walk onstage and yell down at him telling him to wait for Jimmy. Lucas smirks to no end as the kids hear Putnam and are chased off elsewhere. The MC frets as Jimmy fails to show up, but has to start the show anyway. He motions for the giant plastic door to come up, and as it does, the game stations come into view, as well as the Wizard.

This is the armageddon?

Oh, it's on now!

   Lucas is visibly pissed off at the sight of Jimmy. The MC is visibly happy as he announces for the eighth time that there are three contestants. But for a minute he caps his bullshit and somehow unveils the new game. The players, the spectators and anyone watching the movie right now have a chill run down their spines as the MC valiantly yells "SO I GIVE YOU...SUPER...MARIO BROTHERS...THREEEEEE!!" The three really big screens slide open as the now-familiar Grass Land theme echoes throughout the building. The contestants hurry to their Beeshu game stations and become instantly knowledgeable in every aspect of the game. Even Corey, Haley and Sam, as they describe how to use the warp whistles and such. Jimmy starts to consistently fail in World 1-3 but amazingly finds the warp whistle the next time through and warps to World 4, boosting his fake Armageddon score quite nicely. Time passes, and the clock seems to begin ticking down even faster to the final seconds as tensions mount and Beeshu joysticks break in players' hands, gouging and scraping their palms with brittle Mandarin plastic (okay, maybe not). The animated knights that keep score are running like mad as, unsurprisingly, Jimmy wins. The crowd goes wild! Corey and his family go wild! Even Putnam goes wild! Lucas wallows in self-pity and realizes that crime doesn't pay! Or something!

Jesus, that's some freaky shit.

   And so, after everything is said and done, everybody heads back to Utah, through the desert highways of California. Except Putnam, sadly. Out in the distance, Jimmy spots a dinosaur. He starts wrestling at the car's door latch, constantly repeating "CaliFORNia...CaliFORNIAA.." until the whole family pulls over at the dinosaur park. Jimmy quickly opens a door on a giant dinosaur and runs in. The family follows. Jimmy's lunch box had pictures of he and his sister Jennifer at various places, one of them with the family at the dinosaur park. Jimmy leaves the lunch box in the back room rafters of the dinosaur, hugging Sam before finally leaving the lunch box behind, to be remembered by the family forever. But whatever this has to do with Mario 3, I don't know. The music eventually cues up and we see the scenes of the family (including Haley) just driving...driving along...and we remember the movie fondly, as a vehicle for inspiration, nostalgia, and maybe, just maybe as an ipecac.

THE END

   Finally, it must be noted that Christian Slater is the only person in this film that can still be considered a star today -- little does the rest of the cast know that their careers will become a thin, neglected puddle of parking lot oil within the next four or five years. Luke Edwards (Jimmy) went on to star in Little Big League and Newsies, then laid dormant for a few years and became a once-off character on MTV's Undressed. Fred Savage finished his run on the Wonder Years, then laid dormant for a few years and starred in his own sitcom, Working. Beau Bridges went on to slip under a thin cover of lackluster films and let his brother Jeff steal his thunder. He was also in that show Maximum Bob. Jenny Lewis (Haley) didn't tank nearly as badly as Luke, but managed to find a new pursuit in life as the lead singer of Rilo Kiley. Shalom!

--jewey